Despair
Utter loss of Hope.
The following excerpt from the book WOUNDED WARRIOR - Survival Guide for When You Are Beat Up, Burned Out. or Battle Weary, By Dr. Steve Stephens (ISBN 1-59052-705-4), accurately reflects my life from when I was discharged from the hospital in 1971, through 15 years of self-medication with alcohol; ultimately resulting in my spending 9 months in an inpatient-outpatient alcohol treatment program at a facility in Phoenix, Arizona:
“I Was in Shock - Standing at the edge of the ocean, staring at the waves. I never knew I could hurt so much. If it had been only physical pain, I could have clenched my teeth, and dealt with it. But it was a deep emotional pain, from a wound that had torn my heart in two, shattered my spirit, and left me aching in ways I never thought possible. I had never felt so alone.
It felt like my life was over. I felt broken, empty, hopeless. So what should I do now? Should I live, or die? I didn’t know, I didn’t care - I just stood there. Waiting, Waiting - I didn’t know what I was waiting for, just waiting. Finally, exhausted, I went home, fell into bed; and tried to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
The next morning, the sun rose. Things weren’t better. I didn’t feel like doing anything. But, something inside me urged me to take a deep breath, and give it a try. I couldn’t give up. So, I launched into life, as best I could; going through the motions. But it wasn’t easy - It was hard, real hard; and it hurt. On the outside, it all looked normal, but on the inside, I was still the Wounded Warrior, who daily bound up his injuries, and marched resolutely forward; battered, bleeding, silently suffering.”
In February 1986, I finally hit “Rock Bottom” - I found myself in a place of deep, dark, despair. My life was hopelessly out of control; and It seemed that I was sinking into a bottomless pit, with no way out. I was desperately looking for a solution, any solution, to my chaotic existence.
The counselors, The “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, and The Twelve Steps, most likely saved my life.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
My Journey
from Despair > to Acceptance > to Insight > to Spiritual Growth > to Inner Peace
Acceptance
The Act of willingly accepting conditions as they are.
Outwardly, I was a functioning, successful young professional, with a nice home, a wife, and kids; but on the inside, I was an emotional, psychological mess. After 15 years of self-medication with alcohol, I found myself in a state of Deep, Dark, Despair. My life was completely out of control, and it seemed that I was sinking into a bottomless pit, with no way out. I was desperately looking for a solution, any solution, to my chaotic existence.
Before any recovery could happen… it was necessary for me to first “Hit Rock Bottom”. For me “Rock Bottom” happened when my addictive behaviors confronted the overwhelming power of reality, and simply stop working; leaving me completely defenseless against the consequences of my own compulsive, insane behaviors; and brought me crashing down, in the face of my own stark reality.
In February 1986… I entered an alcohol treatment program at a facility in Phoenix, Arizona. The counselors… The “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous… and… The Twelve Steps most likely saved my life. During the substance abuse treatment… I participated in several cognitive therapy sessions… that helped me gain insight and understanding of numerous emotional… psychological… and spiritual impacts… of my Vietnam experiences.
As difficult as they were, the cognitive therapy treatments were a necessary precondition to restoring sanity to my life. It is my belief, that without them, nothing that has followed would have been possible.
My reality forced me to accept the fact that for reasons beyond explanation, my thinking was delusional, frequently scattered, distorted, often irrational, and unreliable. Clearly, without a major change in how I lived my life, and without guidelines to follow, my life was going to be chaotic, frustrating, troubled, and quite likely, short.
It became clear that my dysfunction was basically of my own making; the chaos arose out of my behaviors, were an extreme example of self-will run riot, and were at the root of my problem. Miraculously … I had arrived at Step One of Alcoholics Anonymous: “We admitted… we were powerless over alcohol… that our lives had become unmanageable”.
insight
Result of Seeing into a situation.
It was important for me that I accept the fact that, for reasons beyond explanation, my thinking is frequently scattered, distorted, often irrational, and unreliable; and that without guidelines to follow, my life journey will be chaotic, frustrating, and troubled.
Chapter 5, page 60 of the book of “ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS”, reminds us that: “Most people try to live by self-propulsion and self interest; becoming like an actor who wants to run the whole show. If only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.
What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well; he becomes angry, indignant, self-pitting. What is the basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?
Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Our actor is self-centered, ego-centric. Selfishness, and self-centeredness is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self- pity we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. We invariably find that at some time in the past we made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
Thus, our troubles are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, as we are extreme examples of self-will run riot.”
To rid myself of this selfishness I need a vigorous course of action to search out the flaws in my make-up which contribute to my problems. To Stand in my Truth; to acknowledge, that the solution to my unmanageable… chaotic existence… is the development of a continuing Spiritual Practice…. to serve as a guideline.. in how to live my life.
spritual growth
It is possible to express the spiritual dimension of our lives in simple everyday ways.
In his book “RECOVERY – The Twelve Steps as Spiritual Practice”, Rami Shapiro, the author, describes Spiritual Growth as – “Behaviors designed to restore us to sanity… allowing us to live a more wholesome and productive life”.
Over time, I came to understand that “Spirituality can be developed from many sources, and practices, and is exhibited in How We Choose To Live Our Lives. The terms “Spiritual Awakening”, and ”Spiritual Experience” are discussed many times in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous; describing a personality change sufficient to sustain recovery from alcoholism. Over time, as recovering alcoholics, we tap into an unsuspected inner resource, allowing us to move beyond plain sobriety.
Although not a member of any religious organization, I pursue a spiritual approach to life; practicing the life-stance described in Greg Epstein’s book “Good Without God”… as “Humanism”. In part, “Humanism” declares our responsibility to lead ethical lives of personal engagement, aspiring to the greater good of humanity, and treating all persons, and things, with dignity and respect.
In practice, I endeavor to make a positive contribution to the world in which I find myself, follow the 12 steps as a spiritual practice, complemented with the wisdom of Native American cultures, and practices of mindfulness and meditation from ancient Eastern Philosophies.
Based on the insight set forth in “Promise of A New Day” I have come to believe that life is a process, a continuous journey; that there is a patterned sequence of events surrounding us, attracting our attention, inviting our involvement. I believe that if we attune ourselves to this rhythm of life, we will facilitate our personal growth, and our contribution to every experience that we encounter.
I have learned… that there is no way we can spare ourselves the pains of living, because they are inseparable from the joys; and reflecting on the past reveals that indeed we do find the strength, and the ability, to cope with any experience that may ripple our calm.
All we can do, and it’s quite a lot, is to live the best we can; accepting all of life’s experiences, happy, or sad, rewarding, or tragic, as events necessary to enhance our personal development…
Inner Peace
A state of tranquility.. where you feel at ease with yourself..
and the world around you.
In the mid 1990’s I was presented with a book (“Full Catastrophe Living”) by Jon Kabat- Zinn that introduced me to Zinn’s work on mindfulness, meditation, and healing; and later gained further insight from his book: “Wherever You Go, There You Are”. From these writings I began to develop an appreciation for Living Mindfully, in the Present Moment. I learned that: mindful awareness is paying attention, on purpose, to what is happening, in the present moment, without judgement.
About the same time, I also began reading several of Thich Nhat Hanh’s writings; and continued to expand my insight into mindful awareness, and meditation, which I practice in my everyday life. At its base level, Meditation is the practice of greater awareness. Many people do not understand meditation, and so they reject it. Even those who accept it, often understand it in only a fragmented way. Once learned, and practiced routinely, it becomes a total state of being, a frame of mind, a mode of existence.
In his book You Are Here - Discovering the Magic of the Present Moment, (ISBN 978-1-59030-838-7), Thich Nhat Hanh emphasizes that every twenty-four hour day is a tremendous gift to us; so we all should learn to live in a way that makes joy and happiness possible. This day is a day to live fully. The Buddha said: “The past no longer exists, and the future is not yet here. There is only a single moment in which we can truly be alive, and that is the present moment”. Being present in the here and now is our practice of mindfulness.
The way to maintain your presence in the here and now, is through mindfulness of the breath. We generate the energy of mindfulness to illuminate everything that is happening in the present moment. Mindful breathing is a kind of bridge, that brings the body and the mind together. If you generate peacefulness in your breathing, that peacefulness permeates your body and your state of mind. In the practice of meditation, the three elements of body, mind and breath become one.
Where mindfulness is, true life, solidity, freedom and healing also manifest. Some people live as though they are already dead, consumed by their past, terrified of their future, and stuck in their anger and jealousy. It is necessary to come back to the present moment in order to touch life in a deep way; to cultivate the positive within us so we can generate the energy of understanding and compassion.